Pregnancy Loss Remembrance

two heartsIt’s the most wonderful time of the year…unless you have lost a child.

I honestly do not know how it was just five years ago that I left that hospital without my babies.  On December 17, 2009 at 19 weeks pregnant I went into labor prematurely, the doctors were unable to stop it. I gave birth in a drug induced haze to my two sweet angels.  Only after giving birth to them I found out from the doctor that they were boys.

Five years ago I was in a daze. But even in my daze, time kept moving but I felt stuck in time.

It feels like some kind of nightmare you are suppose to wake up from but you never do.

And then out of the haze comes that feeling. When everything starts to hurt and it becomes hard to breathe.

Five years ago, the world stopped, even though it didn’t, and I had to figure out how to keep going.

There is no doubt in my mind that I could easily be sitting in the same grief of 2009 and 2010. I do not know what I did to deserve this twist of fate that brought me my daughter in 2011.

While my daughter makes my life worth living and I am so profoundly grateful for her, there is no denying that the joy in watching her often makes what we lost with Dylan and Ryan’s deaths even more tangible.

Five years later, the ache in my heart still aches with the same ache it had the day my babies died.  I’ve just had to learn to live with that ache. Life goes on in spite of the ache.  But every now and then, it aches as freshly and as intensely as it did the very day. Like it was yesterday.

That old cliche: Time heals all wounds…is NOT true. But I have survived, and I have experienced joy again. I don’t think it ever gets easier, you just learn to live with the empty feeling.  The holidays will never be the same for me again.  Christmas is a tough holiday, but I push through it like I always do.  I focus my energy on making it a joyous time for my daughter. I just wish Christmas could be different for my family.

Take time to acknowledge your friends who might be struggling this holiday season. They will wake up, dry their eyes, and put a smile on their face so that their children enjoy a nice Christmas. On the outside they will be resilient and strong, but they are also human and a simple acknowledgment that you are thinking about them is huge.

To those still living with with the grief, I can’t tell you how to make it better, or what to do to change it, all I can say is hold on…and even that isn’t good enough…I know, I’ve been there.

Here is to all the joy which 2015 holds for each of us.

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